


[Not!Fic][Podfic]Magical Jizz Buddies!

by Hangebokhan



Category: Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Human Experimentation, M/M, Magical Healing Jizz, No Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Not Beta Read, Notfic, Pheromones, Podfic & Podficced Works, Podfic Length: 10-20 Minutes, References to Knotting, The Author Regrets Everything, The Author Regrets Nothing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-30
Updated: 2020-04-07
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:22:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23390911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hangebokhan/pseuds/Hangebokhan
Summary: This entire not!fic is dedicated to justifying two things: Pheromones and knotting. It accidentally creates magical healing jizz. I am not sorry. Feel free to write using the concept! Let me know if you do so I can read it!
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion
Comments: 3
Kudos: 15





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I have a text document with more, but it is... not very pretty. If you want to read it, let me know, but I basically read the entire thing.

You can download the fic here: [Magical Jizz Buddies](https://drive.google.com/open?id=13tRiraTocBJ-ISP9oHcw1XxRmjW8s6Mo)


	2. The written version

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Do not read this if you like good grammar, syntax, or writing. It is 100% word vomit.

So, how can you make Geralt’s backstory worse? Okay, I admit this started out as a “how can I make it so that witchers knot”. No, I have no shame. I needed a logical reason that didn’t delve into ABO I also wanted pheromones to be a thing. So for this idea to work I need a couple of things.

Witchers were first created in…. 839

Geralt was born in…. 1160

They were exterminated in….990-1100ish

Great Cleansing… 1187

Time between these events… only about 100 years from first witcher to end of the witchers but they were still making them for about 300 years. Okay, lore continuity issue. Last class was about 1200? Present day timeline is about 1263. Therefore last of the witchers were made probably about 1180ish assuming they take the trial at 15ish.

So, lots of unnessicary research later, I can conclude this: They had lots of time to make loads of witchery babies. So, we all know the witcher convert rate was abysmal, about 3/10. So, what if, a few classes before the sacking, they started to make witcher women? The reason witchers are assumed sterile is because, as a new species, they can’t make babies with incompatible hosts. Somewhere, some whore probably begat a half witcher, but it died soon thereafter, or who the fuck knows.

Anyways, they take in…. three classes of girls. Train them up like witchers (because you need a sound body to survive the Trial of the Grasses, plus, if you make these women teachers, you want them smart) and put them through the trial. Slightly lower mortality rate, but that just means more wombs for them. Witchers and witcheretts started doing the deed and making babies. OOOH! That is why the sacking HAPPENED! They were throwing out more Witchers than before so people assumed that they were taking way more babies than was kosher!!!!

Anyways, bbs that were born at Kaher Moren always passed the trial, but a large percentage of them didn’t take to the mutations past the little bit they were born with. Some were twisted by the trial and put down for their own good. It was deemed not worth it to raise up women and have to deal with hormones. Insert sexist bullshit here. The only upside is that the kids did survive! The failures acted as pages for the older Witchers on their path, as a mentor for the outside way of life. Once they found a place they liked, they parted ways and lived as a civvie. They did make better soldiers than your average joe. Also, the girls that failed the trial (none of the N2 females successfully completed trial of the grasses) had a higher likelihood of throwing out a sorcerer/ess baby (not discovered until a generation or two later (missed out on a source of ready made sorceresses hahahahh!)) if they had children at all. All the N2 kids had a hard time having children. N3s were dilute enough to have no fertility problems.

ALL this is to say: you had some part witcher bloodlines running around the Continent. Even the N1 witchers, when mating with other N1s, were less fertile than hoped. They discovered that success was less about fucking who you were told to by the sick fucks in charge, and more about following your nose. Pheromones baby~! Also, so much cum, just, so damn much. Because a very hostile environment. So hostile… yup, that’s why. Yup, yup. And knots, because you know, you have to plug up your basically sister to make sure that seed gets planted.

Also, no one knew about the knots until someone dicked the person their nose told them to. Because pheromones trigger knotting. And if you didn’t knot, the likelihood of babies was about 20%. With a knot was more like 50.

All of this is to say… Geralt was born after the sacking. No more women were around. Some of the boys would get a sexy whiff of each other and do what boys do. But, sex ed not being the best, the knowledge was not forgotten, but it was more lore than fact at this point. Also, the Nxs at this point were so dilute that the chance of encountering a random person with proper pheromones was about nil outside of home.

But Jaskier’s parents both happen to be Nxs. MUAHAHAHAHHA!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh fuck. So, IDEA! The pheromone partner? If it’s two men, they are magical jizz buddies!TM Because, you have to sacrifice something (your seed) to fix something. Jizz is all about growth, birth, renewal… blood won’t work because… insert reason here.

So, Geralt and Jaskier are off adventuring at some undetermined point in the storyline, after they both have gotten over their obliviousness to the fact that they are in TWU LUV! and belong together. Anyways. It can go one of two ways.

Scenario A: They are fucking, Geralt has a scrape/burn/gash/whataveyou on his arm. Unbandaged because he’s a MAN! Anyways, when Jasker cums, his jizz lands on it. They think nothing of it until they clean up and notice it looks like it has healed by a day or two’s worth of time…. Research ensues. Bow chicka bowwow.

Scenario B: And again, were going to go with Geralt being the one hurt, mostly because I can’t see it happening the other way. Not that Jaskier wouldn’t get hurt, because uh, yea. But because I can’t see Geralt trying something untested like that on Jaskier. Anyways, he is really injured. Like, get him to Yennifer ASAP or he dies injured. They can’t really move, Jaskier gives Geralt all the potions and salves they have to make him stable enough that he might survive until Yennifer shows up. Jaskier is freaking out and for some goddamn reason, both their pheromones are pinging like mad. Both of them are like, down dog, this is NOT the time to get hard! Except, Jaskier is freaking the fuck out and so Geralt says to him something along the lines of “rub these out so we can get on with our lives”.

Jaskier is mortified “NOT THE TIME GERALT!”

Anyways, they do end up rubbing them out, together. Note, Jaskier is a Nxer so with his Magic Jizz Buddy, he does, in fact, ejaculate more than the average boy. Some of it lands on the injury. The injury heals before their eyes. Both of them wtf before saying fuck it and Jaskier rubs a few out for the team.

(Later at Kaher Moren, Vesimir mentions that he’d heard a rumor about Magical Jizz buddies being able to do that, but it was a _rumor_!)

(Corollary: Geralt’s Jizz is way stronger because he is an N1 witcher. Jaskier’s good looks have very little to do with his skincare routine. Unless you count cum on his face part of it)


End file.
